"I never watch television." What an especially wise decision. While we're watching The Sopranos, Six feet Under, True Blood, Weeds, The Shield, Oz, Sons of Anrachy, Family Guy, The Wire, fill in your own from the finest fictional flowering ever, the overgrown gore- nerd is in agony reviewing endless rom coms, frat boy comedies and other Hollywood dross. This is a fitting punishment for his delusion that he can imitate actor's voices, most recently and notoriously Danny Dyer, who is good enough for Harold Pinter, but something about him riles Kermode. I suppose the real man heft is too much for a self hating, "Yes, dear", new man quisling.  Give  Kermode - real name Fairey - a sword and send him to the gladitorial games. Seeing that bequiffed noggin rolling along the floor would liven up the second series of Spartacus a treat. Devil's Advocate: he somehow manages to survive what is, farcicly, a tougher grilling than a stuffing from Paxo, every Friday for years, as fellow Christian (?!) Simon Mayo clearly loathes him and insists on trying to trip him up every third word. Having said that... Hallelujah! Chainsaw Kermode is Going Grey As we all know the Exorcist is a masterpiece, skiffle is the greatest music ever (because cloth-eared Kermode plays in a skiffle band) and Jesus Christ is our redeemer. Welcome to the world of Mark Kermode, whose real name is Mark Fairey. WHOSE REAL NAME IS MARK FAIREY. Well I hope that didn't cause him any discomfort as a child. I used to be entertained by the double act of Simon Mayo and Kermode on radio 5 - Mayo's barely disguised hatred of gasbag Kermode, the bitchy bickering over who has the more genuine doctorate (Simon has one for being famous, Kermode studied for his. But it's about women-ripping trash films...) Kermode is also a weedy wet when it comes to 'sexism' and 'misogyny' - being that most pathetic of creatures, the male feminist puritan. He hated the new St Trinians. Countless women liked it, including the cast, normal women, and both females in my family but never mind, I'm sure Julie Bindel and the Misandrist Mafia at the Guardian found it distasteful. It's all right to slice women apart with a chainsaw but St Trinians is disgusting. He nerds on and an about video nasties, where women are generally the victims, yet recently said a picture of of one of the world's most attractive women in shorts bent slightly over was 'disgusting'. So: arterial blood: spurting all over the ceiling: good. Healthy sexual attraction, keeping the human race going, fun, good times, the joy of youth: bad. What ARE these people smoking? Dickhead. Quiffhead. He's going grey! Fuck Him! Fuck you Kermode! Your Fairy-hair has taken one hell of a beating! STOP PRESS!: Apparently Mr Fairey is not at all happy when his name is pronounced 'Commode'.